A Me-Centered Mindset

I have a confession. This past semester my priorities in life have gotten way off balance. Its been a hard few months, some of the “hardness” caused by me, some not. To be clear, I should probably go back to the beginning.

This past summer was one of the greatest times of my life. My early mornings were spent in reading His word and praying. I spent my days serving, being with godly friends, and relaxing. I read many good books. I spent time on the Rebelution, on Ladies Against Feminism, and other encouraging sites. While of course I sinned, my primary outlook on life was one that brought glory to God.

Than in August, my lovely bubble got a harsh poke. People that I loved (and still do love, just to clarify) treated me in a hateful, rash, harsh manner. While this was a sinful act on the behalf of those who did it, the way I reacted (in my thoughts, and also in some of my actions) was also sinful. Daily I replayed the incidents in my mind over and over. My convictions were shaken. Much of my families hatred is centered on my father; and I began to doubt whether he was truly right in what he believed. (Those who are angry at us are very feministic.) I should have seen this as a warning sign to read more on biblical womanhood, to read my Bible, to talk to my dad about my feelings. But instead, I kept my feelings inside. Unfortunatly this was only the beginning.

Soon after I started taking college classes at a junior college. I still was resolved in some things- to wear skirts, to be an example of godliness, to spend my time wisely and not slack off. But, as the semester moved on, my discontentment grew. I wanted all that I could not have and I especially wanted my family back. I wanted it all- to have a great relationship with the Lord, to be a godly beautiful young women; but to also not have to stand firm on my beliefs. Obviously, that is impossible.

As the months continued, I grew in discontentment. My times with the Lord faltered, becoming shorter when they needed to be longer; less consistent when they really needed an increase. On the outside my life seemed fine to those around me, but on the inside I knew I was missing something. I worshipped the Lord but I missed the times when worship was the highlight of my life. I missed when reading the Bible was a delight, not just something that had to be done. I was not completely aware of all that I felt- generally I could supress these thoughts behind thoughts of all that I was missing out on.

During this time I also started to consider a career. Now, a career in itself is not sinful, but my motives were. I didn’t want to stay at home, serve my family, and follow their rules. I wanted to be on my own; in my own apartment, doing whatever I wanted to do with my time. I thought about going into social work- what a great way to serve others! While that is a way to serve others, my heart was definitly not focused on serving. It was focused on me.

Than, in November, my grandmother died. She was one of my favorite people on this entire earth, and I loved her so much. Unfortunatly, the few months before she went to Heaven were not spent together on good terms. While we still loved each other very much, things were keeping us apart. When she died my heart just went into grief. I needed the Lord, and I knew it. My times with Him, my prayer, and my worship grew more consistent.

But, that wasn’t enough. I was still discontent, prideful, and a bit angry. For those of you who have seen High School Musical 2- “I want more!” was my basic attitude. My thoughts and focus in life were about me and what I was missing; not on Him and what He gave up for me.

Finally, a few weeks ago I started to realize my wayward ways completely. I kept thinking about how I wanted to go back to summer, to the time when my heart was in line with God’s word. I went back to my favorite blogs and websites; and realized that I wanted to be feminine and to be submissive to my father again. I wanted that more than anything. A few days later I watched the Return of the Daughter’s DVD. That really did it. I knew I wanted the attitude and the lifestyle that the girls in that movie had.

In the last two weeks, my heart has changed a lot. While I definitly regret many of my sinful choices, I don’t regret the trial as a whole. I learned that what I have is exactly what I need. While before, I may have been tempted to have a “the grass is greener” mindset, now I know that the biblical way is the best way to be happy.

Girls, please learn from me and my mistakes! Don’t have a me-centered mindset in your actions and in your life. Prefer one another over yourself. Honestly, serving others even when it is one of the hardest things to do brings so much more satisfaction than living for yourself. Its a hard lesson to learn, but an oh so important one. Stick to the convictions that you believe. Don’t follow your heart, follow the Word of God. Don’t go astray.

-Natasha Victoria


One Response to “A Me-Centered Mindset”

  1. Hannah Michelle Says:

    Wow, can I just say thank you for being so transparent and honest about your struggles. I know it’s hard to put yourself out there like that. This post really encouraged me! I graduated high school 3 years ago, chose not to go to college, and I’m a stay at home daughter with no outside job. There are real struggles and issues and it’s not all cut and dried the way it looks before you get there. What seemed so clear before sometimes seems lost in the confusion, and you wonder if you really made the right choice in the first place, or maybe you missed the boat that everyone else seems to be happily riding on. And then there’s that dreadful selfishness!!

    I am determined to honor my parents, because I believe I cannot honor God in my choices otherwise. And I’m determined to be content…in my selfishness I’ve asked God to please show me what to do, hoping it would include a “real job” or “real education”, when in reality I already knew in my heart what He wanted. To be faithful in the little things before I can be faithful in much. To obey what He asks now before He can ask me to do anything else.

    I don’t have all the answers and the struggles are still very real, but thank you for reminding me to cling to God, continue to fight the “me-centered” mindset, and stick with what I know is true.

    God bless you!

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